For the past eighteen
months or so I have been sharing my life with a figure, who at first
was on the fringes, but now are front and centre sharing my life on a
daily basis. I would like to introduce you to “the Gloom”. Who or
what is the “the gloom”? I hear you ask yourselves. “the
Gloom” is my name for depression. I was diagnosed with it in March this
year.
My depression aka “the
gloom” is on the mild end of the spectrum. I am finding it hard to
have a constant mood. I am a yoyo, up some days, down the next. This
feeling is not constant it goes and then comes back. It brings not a
feeling of sadness but a feeling of pointlessness, I find myself
wondering what I should do today because there are not job vacancies
and after unsuccessful job interviews, I think, what did I do wrong?
“the Gloom” is in
my life for two reasons. Firstly, on the surface I am depressed
because I can’t find work, and spend my days looking for work and
dream of being a campaign supremo and speech writer. The second
reason is probably the underlying reason, I am just coming to terms
with my disability. You may find that an odd thing for me to say
because I have been disabled all my life.
I am struggling with
this because I was brought up to believe my disability was not a
barrier to my life However, I have discovered that it is and that realization has hit me hard, Yes my disability has led me to change
the law and climb Ben Nevis. But it stopped me from moving to London
to take a job with ITV that I would have loved. It is limiting my job
prospects because I have to think about my home first and not the
job, so it is stopping me from fulfilling my potential.
But “the Gloom” has
made me realise what I want to do with my life and that is to make a
difference to people. By managing “the Gloom” I know I can make a
difference to someone’s life, my own.
